Lessons From the Abyss

Below I recount an especially deep medicine ceremony from a few days ago. It should be noted that this story is not intended to be advisory in any way, shape, or form, and should not be considered encouragement to participate in any activities that may be illegal where you reside.

I went into this ceremony with one intention, to understand what my task is here in the world at this moment. Meditated 7 days in a row leading up to the ceremony. Asked the internal question “what should my dose be?” and received back a resounding- “7.5 grams”. Immediate reaction of fear in my body upon hearing this number- it’s my biggest dose by about 2 grams.

Fast forward to the day of the ceremony, I’m up early, 6:00AM, and begin preparation for the large dose. Feeling a moderate amount of nerves/anxiety I take a ritual bath, allow myself to relax, as I drain the bath I visualize all of the negativity flowing down the drain with the water, and myself emerging from the bath fresh, ready for ceremony.

I clean up my room, set up my altar with all my ritual effects, weigh out the mushrooms, smoothie them up with ginger, berries, lime juice, and tea.

Sit down in front of my altar. Visualize my intention to discover my task, imagine that intention falling out from my third eye into the smoothie, drink the smoothie to bring both the mushrooms and my intention into my body. I then call in my higher self, guardian angel, ancestor spirits, and my spirit animal the mountain lion for protection and guidance on the journey.

After 20-30 minutes of meditating the medicine starts to take hold and things immediately get interesting. I am staring at my painting of the as above/so below tree and I notice the up and down arrows look a lot like elevator buttons. Laying on my side on the floor looking at the image, a voice as clear as day presents two options to me.

Option 1, lay down and throw on my eye mask, get comfortable with blankets on top of me, and generally do this trip the way I’ve done most of my trips. It is very clear to me that this option 1 is the equivalent of pushing the Up button on the elevator, and it will provide me with a light, perhaps joyful trip, without much darkness to it.

Option 2 is the equivalent of pressing the Down button on the elevator. To choose this option I need to remain seated upright in a cross legged position. I am aware that this position will be super uncomfortable as time goes on throughout the trip. It is presented that this option will take me down to the absolute depths of my being, requiring I pay a metaphorical price in blood for admission.

I summon my courage, gather up my energetic sword and shield, sit up with spine straight, legs crossed, and I press the Down arrow.

Nearly immediately I feel as if I have swan dived into the abyss. It became clear quite quickly that this is to be an initiation of sorts, a trial by fire into full adulthood.

I remember putting on my eye mask at some point, I felt like I spent years in this part of the journey. It felt as if God, Spirit, the Divine itself was taunting me, “Can you surrender to this? How about this? And this?”. Images of torture, betrayal of loved ones, death of family and friends, an astral smorgasbord of suffering on offering. The archetype of Hercules came through to me, embarking upon his 12 great labors. As I embraced and surrendered to each moment of suffering, it would pass and the visions would attack from a completely different direction, seeking any gap in my armor. I find myself knocked down into child's pose at least 3 different times throughout this process, absolutely bereft of will to go on, each time needing to gather myself back to an upright seated position to continue. Eye mask on or off, eyes open or closed, the experience and visions were the same. This part of the trip lasts somewhere around 2 hours. Throughout these trials I became slowly aware of a deep knowing that in my core that I could endure. A single cord (chord) of unbreakable spirit that would sustain me even through the deepest reaches of hell.

All at once, and after an eternity, I emerged out of the bottom of the abyss. Referring back to my image of the as above/so below tree, I had emerged into the river of knowledge from which the tree of being draws it’s nutrition.

That river was the Akashic Records, the repository of all knowledge. The shelves of books stretched out eternally in front of me, and I felt a deep feeling like I was out of place here. It occurred to me that it would be extremely difficult to find any specific piece of information in this endless space, so I thought to summon a librarian. As soon as I did so a being of pure light appeared before me asking (without words) “what would you like answered?” I asked it, “What is my task?” to which I got the response, “exactly what you have just been doing. Exploring the depths of consciousness to retrieve knowledge and communicate it.”

As soon as the question was answered, I immediately had the overwhelming feeling that it was time to leave the Akashic Records, rather than dwell there asking endless questions that I perhaps wasn’t ready to receive answers for.

I came back into my physical body. After this I go through another equally intense 2 hours of the trip that is a bit more personal and I won't share widely here.

Upon reflection the first section of this journey was an initiation of sorts. A passage into full adulthood. I feel a few shifts internally already; I feel much more sure of myself, more decisive, and I no longer feel like I am deferring responsibilities that are mine onto others. I have a certain knowing of the steel in my core that it took to pass through the hellscape at the beginning of the trip. As I continue to unpack all of the facets of the experience I will see how I continue to grow, but for now I am already feeling quite confident that this was a really impactful inflection point on my journey.

Love you all, I hope quarantine is going well, don't hesitate to reach out if you need anything!

-Alex