Throughout my life there have been various crucibles into which I have intentionally thrust myself to force growth. Without question, this most recent spiritual boot camp has been one of the most challenging I’ve ever experienced. It has been a shedding, a deconstructing, a deep reanalyzing of who I am.
In my relationship, I am coming into awareness of the ways in which I still show up in my Peter Pan energy. The little moments where I turn away from responsibility, choosing to stay in Neverland and avoid growing up. It’s a blessing to receive a spotlight on these areas of myself. A painful, didn’t sleep a wink (again), mind-rending blessing.
The emotional pain I am feeling is the fuel. Shame, guilt, and anger are the guideposts which lead me away from behaviors I wish to leave behind. What’s required of me to navigate effectively is to honor these emotions, and to truly feel them. In the deep feeling I allow my awareness to broaden. It is never a comfortable experience to realize you’ve been childish, selfish, entitled.
I’ve created a lot of beauty in my life. I’ve shown up in deep service of others. I’ve charged less than I should for the impact of what I offer, provided tons of free content, and tried to really serve my mission to make healing accessible to those who need it most. As I reconstruct myself, it’s important that I don’t lose sight of these positive parts.
At the same time I recognize the parts of me which have been in shadow. The parts which feel frustrated with the universe that I’ve given so much of myself to help, and yet the financial abundance hasn’t yet arrived magically at my doorstep. It’s a bit like when a man has a female friend who he does nice things for all the time, with the expectation that eventually she’ll have to realize he’s a good man and fall madly in love with him.
A secret contract between the universe and I, “if I’m a good boy I’ll be rewarded.”, which underneath has a certain childlike petulance to it, “if I don’t get what I want I’ll throw a temper tantrum.” The King energy within me rises to banish this energy from my kingdom. If things aren’t flowing financially, it’s upon me and ONLY me to make adjustments. All other externalization of responsibility is simply giving away my power.
Heavy wears the crown, the saying goes. The weight of each individual man's kingship is the weight of knowing that yes, it is your responsibility. No, you cannot blame outside circumstances if you want to rule your internal kingdom.
In the reclamation of my power I can honor my positive impulses to serve others, and I can acknowledge the ways in which I haven’t shown up. If I’m being blazingly honest with myself, I know I haven’t worked as hard as I could. I know all the ways in which I’ve numbed, chosen the easy path, chosen to do things expecting immediate results instead of building for the long term. I see the ways in which I’ve spent my money irreverently. Selfishly. I can see the ways in which I’ve relied on others.
Well, I’m awake now to my own tricks. In some ways, I always have been, I simply didn’t want to claim it prior to this. To exist in the sacred masculine is to claim all which happens in your kingdom. Pain I cause others, even if unintentional, times I choose to spend selfishly thus putting me in a feeling of scarcity, the ways in which I seek recognition, all are within my purview as the ruler of my own life.
The gift of this partnership has been in being cut absolutely to my core. Not being cut down for who I truly am, or belittled, but rather cutting through my own bullshit and being invited into being who I can be. Whether the trials of this relationship end up being for the beautiful partnership I know is possible, or they result in us choosing our separate directions someday, I know without a doubt that these challenges are EXACTLY what I need to receive right now. I know many men wouldn’t be able to handle the pain of having their masculinity directly challenged. In truth, any past version of me wouldn’t have been able to handle it, either.
I feel more clear than ever though. I am choosing to welcome the fire of the feminine burning away the deadwood in my psyche. My purpose continues to unfold directly in front of me. The universe has started winking at me again. The lightness in my soul has returned.
Now, one important caveat here, you MUST have a partner who is committed to your growth. It cannot just be a partner who is tearing you down to make themselves feel better. If the two of you aren't genuinely seeking to co-create better versions of each other, then that's just a toxic relationship, not a sacred partnership. This will look a little different for each partnership, but mainly you want to be looking for ways in which your partner seeks to both support your vision and helps you to grow into the person who is capable of that vision.
If you feel like you are going through similar dark moments in your life I can offer a couple reminders which have been helpful to me:
⭃ Don’t over-identify with the parts of you that are dying. When our selfishness, or our entitlement, or our previous life is being pruned from the bush of our psyche it can be easy to feel like we are dying. It’s okay to feel the weight of those emotions, but just remember that it is a PART of you which is dying, not ALL of you.
⭃ You are the one that chooses. You choose the people you interact with. You choose the challenges you undertake. You choose if it’s time to rest, or time to work harder.
⭃ Emotional pain is best thought of as indicators from your consciousness. If you are anxious, what is the anxiety trying to tell you? If angry, what does the anger want you to know? When we engage with our emotions as indicators they switch from adversaries, “I don’t want to feel angry!”, to allies who are trying to actively help us find solutions to our world.
⭃ Your daily habits are like the roots of your tree. Keeping a consistent meditation, journaling, workout, etc, practice allows you to feel rooted and stable even when other parts of your life are in upheaval. Don’t underestimate the importance of these small things adding up.
If you are struggling and would like some guidance, you can find my current plans and pricing here: https://www.throughtheveil.co/plans-pricing
Booking a coaching session is a powerful way to get clear on what exactly it is that you are currently experiencing. From there we co-create an action plan to get you to exactly where you want to be. It also signals to your subconscious that you are taking your growth seriously, as you put an investment directly into your own development.
Much love everyone, I hope you are doing well and staying resilient in your life.
-Alex